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What have toffs done to Cambridge swan?

Issue No. 2302

Concern is mounting for a swan that has been moved to a “secret location”—after attacking posh Cambridge University rowers.

The class warrior bird had been launching himself at many of the 2,000 poshos who regularly row on the river, capsizing some of their boats.

The toff rowers even nicknamed it “Mr Asbo” and wrote to the queen to demand it be killed.

Officials say they didn’t get their wish—but suspiciously its current whereabouts remain unknown.

In other bird news, there was humiliation for one Liberal Democrat candidate in Edinburgh when a penguin got more votes than him.

Professor Pongoo, who campaigned dressed in a penguin costume, thrashed Lib Dem Stuart Bridges in the Pentland Hill ward.

But what most media didn’t report was that penguin man Mike Ferrigan says his policies were inspired by Occupy Edinburgh.

He added that others may “talk the talk”, but he can really “walk the walk”.

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Tue 8 May 2012, 16:29 BST
Issue No. 2302
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