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Bonuses - a perfect reward for success, failure, etc, etc

Issue No. 2394

You have to pay bankers bonuses so that banks can attract the “top” people and make the firms successful.

That’s the rhetoric that we hear from the Tories and their rich mates time and time again.

And time after time it’s shown up to be rubbish.

Bailed-out banks RBS and Lloyds handed out an estimated £35 million in bonuses earlier this month.

The banks have lost more than the £45 billion handed to them by the government in the last five years.

Lloyds and Barclays both gave bosses nearly £1 million in shares to get around a new EU limit on bonus payouts.

The Co-operative Group is now set to announce a series of bonuses for its top bosses.

Boss Euan Sutherland could get a package worth £3.66 million a year. 

This includes a £1.5 million “retention payment”—or being paid yet more cash simply for turning up.

Sutherland said that the Co-op had “lost its way” last year. 

The firm expects to announce losses of over £2 billion according to leaked documents reported in the press last weekend.

The idea that bonuses reward success or attract the best people is starting to look a little thin.

So bosses have a new line to justify their bonanza.

The Co-op said the bonuses are being paid out because bosses have had to work in such difficult circumstances.

It claimed the situation facing Co-op bosses “is possibly the most complex one facing a large business in the country today”.

Sutherland whined on Facebook, “We seem to have an individual, or individuals, determined to undermine me personally”.

He added that the leak made his job harder.

And he pointed out that “the reputation of The Co-operative will take another hammering” when an inquiry into the banking crisis is published next month.

It sounds like poor bankers could have even harder jobs in the near future.

But then again, that’ll make the perfect excuse for a few more bonuses.


Don't eat crap... except at school

The government is fond of lecturing us about eating properly. But the Department for Education seems to have forgotten this.

It is scrapping limits on sugar, fat, vitamins and salt for school meals.

Apparently giving children healthier food is “over-complicated”. And standards based on nutrients can “restrict cooks from being creative”.


Pope makes woman cry

The pope is making a woman cry every month. 

Rosalba Ferri from Pesaro in Italy has lost two of her four children. She said the Pope “says that a mother should never have to bury their child”.

Apparently the Pope enjoys making “surprise” phone calls to followers.


Tory racists echoed by Labour

According to the new Tory immigration minister, the “wealthy metropolitan elite” are fuelling migration by hiring migrant workers.

Unfortunately James Brokenshire ignored the fact that David Cameron employs two migrant nannies—one from Australia and another from Nepal.

As usual Labour seized on the chance to ape the Tories’ racism. John Mann, Labour MP for Bassetlaw, said cabinet members “should be seeking out British staff”.

Troublemaker thinks people should be able to go wherever they like to work. 

For the Tories, it depends on who’s benefiting.


A little less conversation from Clegg

It wasn’t a good week for Nick Clegg.

He tried to rally the troops at the Lib Dem conference.

But it couldn’t make up for the fact that a pensioner dressed as Elvis Presley beat the Lib Dems in a Nottingham by-election last week.


Socialite on safari... in Deptford

Regular Troublemaker readers may be a little too familiar with the disgusting behaviour of London’s Tory mayor Boris Johnson. 

So let’s look at his sister, Rachel.

She has gone “on safari” with poor people in Deptford, south east London, for a new BBC documentary. 

As she respectfully put it, “They’re existing, rather than living, like battery hens. They are living like animals.”

She pledged to give up a few cups of coffee. 

What difference that will make to anything remains unclear.


Love cuts, hate hunger

In case Johnson’s coffee drought won’t have much impact, Lib Dem MP Sarah Teather plans to fast for a day in protest at hunger in Britain.

Yet she has voted for both cuts in welfare and housing benefit.


Poor? Under 18? You’re due to be tasered

Police use of tasers on children in London has shot up by 600 percent in the last four years.

Cops used tasers on nine children in 2008—and 53 in 2012. And those in the poorest boroughs are more likely to be targeted.

In Croydon, Lambeth, Lewisham and Southwark children were tasered 51 times between 2008 and 2012—or 40 percent of the total.

The Met said that the rise was “in line with the general increase in the use of tasers”.


FAULTY FIRM No. 874

Apple

Evil multinational

  • Apple has refused to unlock a dead woman’s iPad for her bereaved sons after she left it to them
  • Anthea Grant died after suffering from breast cancer earlier this year
  • Apple demanded a copy of her death certificate before it would allow sons access. It claimed it needs her written permission

TOFF OF THE WEEK

Prince Harry - Royal scrounger

  • Harry is well known for his “work” fighting wars in the army
  • Now he’s found a great activity for some of those who end up disabled as a result
  • Harry is helping to fund a Paralympics-style tournament
  • Competitors from 13 countries that fought alongside British forces can take part

 


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Article information

The Troublemaker
Tue 11 Mar 2014, 17:36 GMT
Issue No. 2394
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