Scrooge Cameron’s festive message: “Merry crisis”

It’s that time of year again—a magical season of charity and gift giving. And may I take this opportunity to thank you for all my wonderful gifts. I was particularly fond of my £64,000 designer kitchen, not to mention my £550,000 pension pot.

But I have my disappointments too. Take my clerical staff. They used this festive season to ask for decent pensions and pay.

I explained that this was quite out of the question. I’ve already lent what little spare money I have to my banker chums.

But rather than accept my entirely reasonable response, the heartless sods walked out! I have been forced into the indignity of writing this festive message myself, rather than dictating it from a jacuzzi as is my usual custom.

So this is my Christmas warning to you. No more requests for pay rises or pension rights. No more moaning about schools and hospitals being shut down.

And no ghosts of Christmas past in the form of further industrial action. That will make me very cross indeed.

Merry crisis and an austere new year to you all. Now let me get on with ruining the country in peace.

Smugly yours,
David Cameron, the Eton Ebeneezer