By Pat Stack
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Who Wants to be a Warmonger?

This article is over 19 years, 4 months old
The trial of the century is under way.
Issue 273

A major scandal has broken out with allegations that a recent winner of the £1 million prize on the popular quiz show ‘Who Wants to be a Warmonger?’ was cheating. Mr Justice Mosley-Mitford heard how the contestant, a Mr T Blair, looked tired, evasive and strained after his success.

The producers of the show later viewed a tape and found that there was a strange coughing routine coming from the audience. ‘It was a very strange sound,’ said host Chris Tarrant, ‘like someone choking on a pretzel.’ It turned out to be a weird looking American called Dubya, who is said to be a friend of Blair’s, and who is also being prosecuted.

Below we exclusively reveal a transcript of the tape which has caused all the fuss.

Chris Tarrant (CT): For £8,000, how do you envisage dead Iraqi civilians enjoying their newfound freedom? Is it:

a) Obviously they can’t.

b) Well, they won’t, will they?

c) Their heartbroken relatives will enjoy it on their behalf

d) Ask those Kuwaiti babies thrown out of incubators by the murderous Saddam (cough, cough, cough).

Tony Blair (TB): It’s D, Chris.

CT: Well done. Now, for £16,000, why is a French veto at the UN an unreasonable one when 70-plus vetoes used by the US are perfectly reasonable? Is it because:

a) We are rank hypocrites.

b) There is no logic to it at all.

c) The French would all be speaking German if it wasn’t for us and the Americans (loud cough).

d) The US just wants the UN to rubber-stamp its policies (spluttered stifled cough).

TB: Pretty sure it’s C, Chris.

CT: Excellent–you’re doing really well here. Now, for £32,000, and remember get this right and you get to keep it no matter what. How has a Labour prime minister ended up in bed with the most right wing US president ever, the most right wing Spanish PM since Franco, and the most right wing Italian regime since Mussolini?

a) Left, right, they’re all outdated concepts.

b) Are they right wing? I’d never have guessed.

c) Well it’s either them or Cherie.

d) Being right doesn’t make you wrong (loud cough).

TB: It’s D, Chris.

CT: Good. Now, for £64,000, what exactly is the link between Iraq and Al Qaida?

a) They’re all mad Arab Muslim fanatics, so what’s the difference (loud almost choking coughs).

b) The letter Q.

c) The letter A.

d) None whatsoever, but the link makes our war look good.

TB: It’s A. Chris all fanatics!

CT: Excellent. Now the money gets serious so take your time. For £125,000, can you tell tell me why, when the massacre of Kurds took place at Halabja in 1988, you failed to support any of the early day motions condemning Saddam? Is it:

a) You have to be very careful what you put your name to when you’re an ambitious politician.

b) Saddam was an OK guy then–we all liked him.

c) That’s a cheap point, only made by lily-livered peaceniks (coughing and chuckling).

d) There are a lot of Saddams in the Arab world. Are you sure that’s the same one?

TB: It’s C Chris.

CT: Very good. For £250,000, can you tell me how do you prove you haven’t got weapons of mass destruction if you haven’t got them?

a) You can prove you have got them by using them once you’re attacked.

b) Surely everyone’s got them?

c) You have to go on Iraqi TV and say in Arabic, ‘I am an ugly man with a horrid moustache and skidmarks on my underpants’ (loud coughing followed by rebel yell).

d) We can waste lots of time and money pretending to look for them and then ignore what weapons inspectors tell us.

TB: I’d like to phone a friend please–Jose Maria Aznar–he’s from Spain.

CT: Sure. (He reads choices to Aznar.)

JMA: Eeetsa C, Tony.

TB: You sure?

JMA: Si.

TB: I’ll go with that.

The prosecution maintains that this phone a friend was all part of the charade.

CT: Excellent. You are just two questions away, and you still have two lifelines. Now, for half a million, who is the most evil man in the world today? Is it:

a) Saddam Hussein (very loud cough).

b) Osama Bin Laden (silence).

c) Robin Cook (nervous little cough).

d) Jacques Chirac (very loud cough).

TB: (Contestant looks genuinely worried for first time, heavy sweat in underarm area.) Ah, I know it’s either A or D. Can I go fifty-fifty?

CT: Yes, and we are actually left with A or B.

TB: Phew, definitely A then, Chris.

CT: Excellent. And now, for £1 million: It has often been said that you are oily. Is this why you are so keen for people to die for oil?

a) Yes.

b) No, it’s cos my mate Dubya loves oil.

c) Is there a worthier cause to die for (suppressed cough)

d) You know me. I’m a decent sort of guy, I’m a Christian, I’m a family man, and I’m just like Churchill when you think about it (cough, followed by sardonic laugh).

CT: Remember you still have a lifeline. You can ask the audience.

TB: God, no, why would I do that? It’s D, Chris.

CT: Congratulations, you have won a million pounds, and who knows, with a bit of luck you may also be responsible for a million deaths.

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