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Ghouls, monsters and losers queue for £10 million funeral

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Issue 2349

The Tories threw barrels of our cash at Maggie Thatcher’s funeral. But all the money in the world can’t buy respect. Most of the friends she’d have actually cared about died years ago.

Her last few New Years must have been lonely without Jimmy Savile’s company.

General Pinochet’s death leaves FW de Klerk, last ruler of apartheid South Africa, to represent her tyrant pals. Tony Blair will have to stand in for Ronald Reagan at the warmongers’ table.

Her old cabinet goons Michael Heseltine and Geoff Hurd are expected to turn up. But then, she wouldn’t be too pleased to see them after they ditched her over her poll tax humiliation.

Today’s Tory MPs have already had their £3,000 bung for their tribute to Thatcher in parliament. Her witless foil Neil Kinnock has found somewhere else to be. That’s closer to opposition than anything he  managed back in the day.

But then, the fact that she later blocked him from a cushy EU job clearly weighs on Kinnock far more than the miners ever did.

Foreign heads of state were being invited—until the organisers realised that might have to include Argentina.

In the end they had to draft in B-list celebs to keep the seats warm. People like professional gobshite Jeremy Clarkson, convicted perjurer Jeffrey Archer and all round crime against humanity Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Author Frederick Forsyth brings the military glamour. He’s the armchair general who last week told the government to scrap Trident for smaller, sexier “tactical” nukes.

But the bigot’s bigot Jim Davidson was apparently considered too much of an embarrassment. Half of the £10 million bill is to go on security to keep the furious masses at bay. 

We can’t help but wonder if there’s a similar motive to Thatcher’s decision to avoid lying in state. The Thatcher family’s hopes for the TV coverage can’t have been high.

After all, the BBC was too busy in a ding dong about whether it could even play the Top Ten. But at least they’re sure of getting a cremation—because she already closed all the pits.

American socialism starting to look up

The US hasn’t been an easy place to talk about class struggle ever since the anti-Communist witch-hunts of the 1950s.

But ordinary Americans are trying to change that—according to dictionary makers Merriam Webster.

The two most looked-up words on their website last year were “socialism” and “capitalism”.

Kindle purges Orwell

lIf that makes you want to rush off to get a new dictionary, you might want to think twice before downloading it to your Kindle.

Users of the popular electronic book got a sharp reminder last week of how easy it is for bosses to delete their reading material.

Kindle purged an edition of George Orwell’s 1984—a classic tale of dictatorship suppressing the truth.

Granted, their motivations had more to do with copyright law than Stalinism.

But we still can’t help but think Orwell would have enjoyed the irony.

Good behaviour is well cool, say cops

Despite the right wing hype, young people in Britain are not all feral thugs.

But they’ll have a strong incentive to give up their well-behaved ways if Manchester cop Sergeant Tariq Butt gets his way.

He plans to catch any youngsters he sees using pedestrian crossings, putting litter in bins or riding bikes safely and give them a “positive ticket” from the police.

We can’t think of a better way to be unpopular.

Meanwhile cops in York had to apologise to Melissa Richardson last week—after their dog killed her pet rabbit.

The officers were chasing teenagers through gardens with their dutch shepherd dog. But when the mutt caught a sight of George the rabbit it abandoned all thoughts of fighting crime.

Melissa had had George as her pet for 13 years. She turned down the cops’ offer to buy her a new rabbit.

Sent off for being a girl

Trefnant under-15 football team in north Wales found a sneaky way to get rid of the opposite team’s star player last week.

Their coach had Prestatyn’s 12 year old ace Victoria Coulton sent off—simply because she was a girl.

Local rules say teams are allowed to be mixed, but a Trefnant spokesman insisted “boys don’t like to tackle a girl”.

Pay for your redundancy letters

Sacking workers because of cuts is bad enough. But Weymouth and Portland council in Dorset went one step further.

It told 14 Pavilion theatre staff that they’d have to pay £1.09 just to get their redundancy letters last week.

The sacking notes were stuck at the Post Office because the council hadn’t used enough stamps.

The rich who think being poor is easy

Do you, like Iain Duncan Smith, think you could live on £53 a week?

Less than a quarter of people in a recent poll thought so.

Even 55 percent of Tory voters said they wouldn’t manage.

The poll also showed that the richer someone is, the more likely they are to think they could cope on £53. Perhaps we should make them try it.

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