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Porkies, prime ministers and the posho pig parties

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Issue 2472

David Cameron is accused of having sex with a dead pig.

Lord Ashcroft, who was once close to Cameron, fell out with the prime minister after he was passed over for a role in the last government. 

He gave £8 million to the Tories and thinks it should have bought him a job. 

His book Call Me Dave says that in addition to being a member of the Bullingdon Club while he was studying at Oxford University, Cameron was also in the Piers Gaveston Society. 

Aside from quaffing champagne and eating caviar, the centrepiece of the Piers Gav social calendar is its summer ball. 

Each member invites 20 guests, who are bussed out to a secret location for a party that on occasion has been described as “a well organised orgy”.


A member described it, “Imagine a Colombian branch of Superdrug, except where everyone is called Tarquin.”

A “source”, who is now an MP, is also quoted in the book as saying that during Cameron’s initiation into the society he “put a private part of his anatomy” into a dead pig’s mouth.

The book also claims that Cameron knew in 2009 that Lord Ashcroft had “non dom” status and therefore did not pay tax on overseas earnings. 

Which matters because he gave all that cash to the Tories. And Cameron may have lied about it.

So the things they do to get on are gross. 

And when they fall out it gets nasty.

A reader writes to inform us that they wrote to the Sun to complain over the Murdoch rag’s coverage of Jeremy Corbyn. They were surprised at the response from the Sun.

It said,  “We’re sorry to hear you are to boycott the paper, but personally in light of the recent attacks on Mr Corbyn, I don’t blame you. It has been a case of shoddy journalism really. Don’t reply to this email as I will get in trouble if it is uncovered.”

Sir Nicholas Soames is suffering so painfully with back problems he is facing surgery.

The old Etonian grandson of Sir Winston Churchill is just about the poshest Tory there is.

A friend said the esteemed politician is, “Really bad. About as bad as it gets—he’s not even going grouse shooting.”

Spooks demand more powers again

British spooks don’t interfere with democracy. Not openly that is.

Except the director-general of MI5 Andrew “Nosey” Parker popped along to Radio 4 to warn that upcoming legislation to expand the investigatory powers of the British intelligence agencies, a “snoopers’ charter”, was crucial to prevent acts of terrorism.

A backlash against the activities of the US’s National Security Agency and Britain’s GCHQ has led to the greater use of encryption—a shift that is hindering the poor spies.

It was unfair to compare a demand for access to data for British spies to a request from Russian or Chinese spies.

In a strange coincidence, Britain’s cyber intelligence agency, the GCHQ, has released new guidance suggesting people should avoid complex passwords for their online accounts. 

Can’t imagine why they would want to do that.

Peak Tory hypocrisy over Irish terrorism  

John McDonnell, the shadow chancellor, apologised for suggesting in 2003 that the IRA should be honoured for the bombings which brought the British government “to the negotiating table”.

As it happens Troublemaker thinks the British government are the ones who should do the apologising. Having created a sectarian state, every intervention by Britain managed to make the situation worse.

Nigel Dodds, the unionist DUP’s leader at Westminster, accused John McDonnell of being in league with the IRA. 

Dodds once went to the paramilitary funeral of Loyalist terrorist John Bingham. Brothel keeper Bingham oversaw the shooting of Catholics who had the temerity to come on his turf. 

DUP leader Peter Robinson’s involvement with Ulster Resistance, a paramilitary group which imported guns along with Loyalist death squads, seems not to interest the press.

Refugees are coming here, growing grass

Troublemaker regular Ukip MEP Tim Aker rants that refugees are to blame for the height of grass in his constituency.

“The state of the grass verges, pavements and roads in Tilbury is disgusting. I pay my council tax so why isn’t the grass being cut and why aren’t the streets being cleaned?

“I mean, when you pay your taxes and you work hard and all sorts, do you pay it for Angela Merkel to throw at the European Union?

“Even today [Ukip MEPs] voted to stop the fact that the European Union is going to resettle these refugees.”

Cops carry drink for ‘Lager toffs’

Police were spotted scanning at least 50 cases of posh plonk with an X-Ray machine ahead of the Tory party conference to be held in Manchester next month.

One ham-fisted policeman managed to drop a bottle of champagne, smashing it on the pavement.

Apparently the go-to drink for the do is “Lager Toffs”—a pint of Tennent’s topped up with fizz—a firm favourite among young Tory activists.

The Things They Say…

‘I will not dignify Lord Ashcroft’s allegations by offering any comment’

David Cameron’s spin doctor at 11am Monday

‘Total crap’

David Cameron’s spin doctor changes her mind at 12 noon Monday

‘The pig’s head story is malicious gossip’

A founder member of the posho Piers Gaveston society  

‘Lord Ashcroft’s story about Cameron and the pig would not have passed the basic standards demanded by a tabloid newspaper’

Former political editor of the News of the World Ian Kirby shows a lack of self awareness 

‘Could any supporter of Corbyn have created this rumour’

The Independent just about doesn’t blame Corbyn for Snoutrage

‘Is that it?’

Tory Toby Young in an article called “Is that really the best Lord Ashcroft could dig up?” 

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