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The Duke is still dead! You’d better be sad, or else the queen gets it

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Issue 2751
How sad - what some might see as a missed opportunity took place last Saturday
How sad – what some might see as a ‘missed opportunity’ took place last Saturday (Pic: PA)

Racists across Britain, and the world, united in mourning last Saturday to remember Prince Philip. It was a fitting send off for the dead royal, who dedicated his entire life to being rich and racist.

The Duke’s coffin was covered with his Personal Standard and carried on a purpose built Land Rover Defender.

Pallbearers of the Royal Marines carried the coffin into St George’s Chapel.

It was followed by the Princess Royal, Prince of Wales, Duke of York, Earl of Wessex, Duke of Cambridge, Peter Phillips, Duke of Sussex, Earl of Snowdon and Vice Admiral Sir Timothy Laurence.

If, say, a terrorist had chosen that moment to strike, it could have had devastating consequences for the royals. A huge chunk of the parasites could have been taken out in one fell swoop. Alas it was not to be.

In breaking news, Prince Charles was visibly emotional while the queen looked ­grief-stricken as she accompanied the coffin on its final journey. Prince William and Harry wore black.

They looked sombre.

Basically, everyone was just very, very sad. After all, you don’t expect 99 year olds to drop dead.

Especially ones who’ve had such a luxurious, pampered life as Philip.

But it seems all that “dedication to duty” and hard work doing public service type of things finally got the better of him.

Philip kept on working doing whatever it is Philip did until he was in his 90s. Did you know that? We’ll keep saying it until you do.

Now that the racist has been laid to rest, we’ll only have a few more months of coverage about him. Being dead doesn’t stop you being newsworthy.

And when the queen dies, and we can do it all again!

Not that we want to see her majesty dead, of course. But it makes for easy copy.

Wills and Harry bury the r̶a̶c̶i̶s̶t̶  hatchet

It was one of the most talked-about reconciliations for years. And to the nation’s great relief and joy, it came off.

Early on the day of the funeral, William, 38, and Harry, 36, looked—as usual—like they hated each other. It was The Lovely Kate who came to the rescue, stepping in to make everything better like she always does.

Had The Lovely Kate not been there to talk to Harry when they filed out of the chapel, who knows what might have happened.

After the royals left the funeral service, William was ahead of Harry and The Lovely Kate. The Lovely Kate was chatting to Harry (isn’t she LOVELY?). Then William turned around to speak to The Lovely Kate. THEN Harry caught up with them and The Lovely Kate delicately stepped away, leaving the brothers alone so they could talk.

With bated breath, the nation watched as William and Harry CHATTED and seemed to be RELAXED with each other. It was the first time the pair had been seen in public together for more than a year!

They bravely put aside their differences so they could collectively mourn the racist Philip. That’s dedication to duty for you.

Body language expert Italk Shyte told Troublemaker, “There was a connection between William and Harry as they left the chapel.

“They talked to each other and their bodies were quite close together. So that shows that they were quite close together, talking.

“It was not at all contrived for the cameras.”

As Harry’s media mate Tom Bradby said, “Funerals are a time of reconciliation and that’s a sight, let’s be honest, that many wanted to see. Not least the family itself.”

Importantly, the number of people watching the funeral on TV topped the number who tuned in to watch Harry and Meghan’s Oprah Winfrey interview.

Some 12.6 million tuned in on the BBC and ITV to watch the funeral at the peak of viewing.

Harry and Meghan’s only drew a measly 12.4 million.

Voldemort, sorry Meghan Markle, shunned prince Philip by refusing to attend the funeral.

The ingrate had some excuse about being seven months pregnant and advice from a “physician”. Phil will be turning in his grave.

Then again, Meghan would have ruined the all-white funeral so maybe not! (We can say things like that because racism is really funny now because, you know, Philip).

Divisions and different rules if you’re a royal

Troublemaker’s sources say Harry has suffered from “a great deal of frostiness” from many royals.

One source said that the paedophile Prince Andrew is the only one who has been nice to him.

Apparently it’s because Andrew knows how it feels to be an “outsider”.

You don’t have to follow coronavirus self-isolation rules if you’ve a racist grandfather to bury.

Harry flew into Britain from his LA home on Sunday. Arrivals from the US to Britain are supposed to self-isolate for ten days on arrival.

But Harry had to pay his respects to the dead racist.

Apparently he will continue his self-isolation at fancy Frogmore Cottage “all other times”. Except for a “walk” he had with his father, prince Charles, on Sunday.

Self-isolating is great when you’re royal.

Queen takes over the helm, steers to calm

The queen was stoic as ever in the meticulous planning of the racist’s funeral.

And she took problem after problem in her stride in her queenly way.

The paedophile prince Andrew had threatened to attend the funeral as an Admiral, despite having to defer his promotion to that rank on account of being a paedophile.

He’d already used Philip’s death to try and worm his way back into working royal life.

On top of this, the poor queen was worrying about the friction between William and Harry. And there were real fears that the Duke of Sussex could have been the only senior royal not in military dress for the funeral.

But the queen showed her majesty by calmly taking it all in her stride, as she always does.

She ordered everyone to dress in the same black outfits, to save Harry the shame of not being in military dress.

And she organised where William and Harry would walk to try and ease the tension.

Others in the media have put it much better than Troublemaker ever could. The funeral showed the queen “acting as first mate to the recently departed captain of the ship”.

The things they say

‘When historians retell the story of the pandemic, the image of the queen sitting alone, masked and in mourning, will surely rank among the most poignant’

The Guardian newspaper

‘Didn’t want a fuss’

What Prince Philip allegedly felt about his funeral

‘The pared down nature of it was more in keeping with his character’

The BBC on the funeral

‘Remarkable legacy’

Sir Keir Starmer on what Philip has left behind

‘It is just what Philip would have wanted’

The Sun on ‘news’ that prince Charles met up with his kids

‘We never saw so motley, so rude, so ill-managed a body of persons’

The Times, July 1830 on the behaviour of the congregation at George IV’s funeral


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