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The rich go a little bit crackers for luxury Christmas gifts

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Issue 2434
Scottish Power is this weeks faulty firm. It takes 30 minutes to pick up the phone to customers with problems, but in just 14 seconds to potential new customers

As Christmas approaches, Troublemaker’s thoughts turn to what to give relatives and comrades. How about a small island in the Maldives?

Alan O’Connor, who runs investment company Debutesq, reports a “surge” in enquiries for private islands, which are currently going for around £5.1 million for an undeveloped 14 acres.

Islands not your thing, then how about a gold mountain bike? Nothing says “grit” and “rugged” like a gold-plated mountain bike. Give the gift of fitness. For only £320,000. The same firm—we don’t advertise—offer gold shoelaces for £9,600.

Let’s face it, having a USB stick on your person at all times is smart. If you’re going to carry one around, why not make it an emerald flash drive for £23,600?

Your child deserves the best so a good dummy is important. 

One with 28 diamonds stuck on it is a good choice at £13,600.

For the more mature gift Harrods have 12 bottles of whisky for £987,500. Though they have had it for over a year so it might be worth waiting for the sales.

Their crackers are £499 a go. 

But for the parasite who has everything you need some serious crackers at £4 million. 

Inside are great gifts including a white gold necklace set with 20 diamonds, a gold watch, an Aston Martin and a yacht.

Though how they got the yacht in the cracker is a mystery.

Any readers fortunate enough to be on prince Charles’ Christmas present list should avert their eyes.

Owen Barry has just delivered a 350-piece order of overnight bags.

They are a combination of Prince of Wales check wool fabric, trimmed with super soft brandy-coloured leather, and the Prince’s three feathers insignia.

All bespoke bags are £500 each.

Nazis lash out at penguins

The fuhrer fantasists of the Nazi BNP vomited up their Christmas card last week. They claim Christmas is being destroyed “to appease Muslims”.

The devious plot is “complete with polar bears, penguins, and snowflakes to eradicate our traditional nativity scenes”.

£45,000 gets you a racist speech

“Good evening everybody and welcome to Sotheby’s,” said Tory fundraising boss Lord Feldman at an event held in a posh auction house in London.

A bit awkward because the party was being held at Christie’s—not Sotheby’s.

More awkard though was a copy of Cameron’s recent immigration speech along with a cartoon of politicians as Christmas trees went for a bargain £45,000. The buyer was an old friend of Troublemaker. 

David Cameron was embarrassed when his choice of Tory treasurer, David Rowland, resigned before he even took up the post in 2010.

Rowland, a property developer, moved from Guernsey, where he had lived as a tax exile. Worth 

£730 million, he quit after some of his property deals led to him being dubbed “shady” in the Commons.

Top Tory reveals the real role of libraries

Well done to ten year old Leon Remphry, who gave Tory education secretary Nicky Morgan a grilling last week.

Leon first asked Morgan the cube root of 125—she didn’t answer.

Undeterred, Leon went on to ask how children could grow up with a love of books if libraries kept closing.

After some waffle in response Leon persisted, “I don’t think you’ve actually answered the question. Are the government going to take steps or are they not?”

Morgan replied, “We are reminding local councils that it is their duty to provide libraries which are, obviously, where people can borrow books for free.”

Thanks for enlightening us.

Parents should be free to discipline children with a “mild smack”, Nicky Morgan said. Asked about hitting children she said it was ok if it didn’t leave a mark.

Enhanced robocop brutality? 

Home Office researchers are looking into a range of sci-fi equipment for the cops.

Innovations on the Home Office wishlist includes a robotic exoskeleton to take the load off weary legs. 

The glimpse into the future was contained in a presentation to companies by the director of the Home Office’s Centre for Applied Science and Technology.

The event introduced the “digitally enabled officer of the future”. 

The idea is for a robotic exoskeleton fitted to the officer’s knees designed for “power generation”. 

Presumbly to help kick people harder when they are on the ground. 

Toff MP has real interest tobbaco and oil 

Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg spoke in four debates in the parliament in support of the tobacco, mining and oil and gas industries. Which is a happy coincidence as he is a founder and director of a firm with multimillion-pound investments in those sectors.

Somerset Capital Management hold investments worth £23 million in tobacco companies, £3 million in mining firms, and over £2 million in oil and gas producers.

He just forgot to mention it.

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