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The Troublemaker—Is the latest royal parasite enough to save Theresa May?

This article is over 2 years, 8 months old
Issue 2653
May is no doubt glad of the distraction (Pic: EU2017EE Estonian Presidency/Flickr)

The arrival of royal baby Sussex on Monday was met with polite indifference by most people who don’t work in newspaper offices.

The father, who only ever wore a Nazi costume for a laugh, however seemed a little confused by what had happened.

The Royal announcement said, “The Duke of Sussex was present for the birth.”

The Duke himself announced, “How any woman does what they do is beyond comprehension. I haven’t been at many births.

“This is definitely my first birth.”

It may have been a home birth, which means we sort of got value for money after spending £3 million doing up Frogmore Cottage for the couple.

Young Sussex will be seventh in line to the throne.

Which, according to rules that nobody outside of the Daily Mail understands, means he isn’t a royal highness.

But he immediately became the Duke of Dunbarton before he even had a name. Which is nice.

  • Theresa May was no doubt glad of the momentary distraction the Royal breeding may have allowed. Last week she settled her female cabinet ministers into London’s ­opulent Goring Hotel.

Treasury secretary Liz Truss decided to ask a waiter to snap the Cabinet women on her mobile.

So we know May and her colleagues were lavishly wined and dined by Lubov Chernukhin—wife of a former Vladimir Putin crony.

She won them for £135,000 in a Tory auction.

Only a minister with the political nous of a gerbil would advertise taking Russian dosh. In a hotel with £2,500-a-night rooms. In the week voters went to the polls.

Chernukhin has form for this.

Five years ago she stumped up £160,000 to play tennis with David Cameron and Boris Johnson.

  • Theresa May’s town hall election humiliation was assured when her chief of staff Gavin Barwell—who wrote a book on how to win a marginal Commons seat before promptly losing his—announced he was hitting the campaign trail last week for Woking Tory council hopeful Jonny Cope.

“Fingers crossed,” tweeted Gavin. Needless to say, Cope duly came a poor second.

  • A former police officer swindled £12,000 in benefits by saying she was ill with hip pain but posted pictures on Facebook of herself riding and skating, Cardiff magistrates’ court was told.

Suzanne Wibley of Penarth was given a 12-month community order.

Williamson spat out crab and cut cupboard

Former defence secretary Gavin Williamson slashed a cupboard door as he played with a ceremonial sword, it has emerged.

Blunderer Williamson was fired for allegedly leaking secrets. And it at least stopped him invading China.

Ex-aide Rob Golledge also revealed how live crickets to be eaten by Williamson’s pet tarantula escaped, and how he squirted an Australian minister with bits of crab.

He said, “The parties went for a crab lunch overlooking Sydney harbour. Trying to open his claw, Gavin propelled its contents over the senator.”

But it “broke the ice” and was key to striking a deal to sell British warships.

His boss also left a McDonald’s takeaway bag in his ministerial red box, Golledge added.

Williamson believes he lost his cabinet job in a “shabby and discredited witch hunt”.

Britain gassing monkeys to help the US military

The government has raked in more than £50 million doing weapons tests on animals for the US military.

Since 2012, the US government has funded hundreds of tests on monkeys, pigs, rabbits and mice at labs in Wiltshire.

Animals were infected with some of the world’s most dangerous biological agents, including Ebola and anthrax.

Others saw animals exposed to chemical weapons such as mustard gas and phosgene.

Phosgene was responsible for up to 85 percent of the 100,000 chemical weapons deaths in the First World War.

The tests were conducted at the Defence Science and Technology Laboratory at Porton Down.

Some military tests on animals, such as those using nerve agents, are banned in the US.

Dress code for record really means dress

An NHS nurse who ran the London Marathon was told her Guinness World Record attempt would not count because she was not wearing a dress.

Jessica Anderson has been working for the Royal London Hospital’s acute admission unit for seven years.

Her scrubs and trousers did not match the uniform criteria.

Guinness World Record rules stipulate that a nurse’s uniform must include a blue or white dress, a white pinafore apron and a traditional white nurse’s cap.

Anderson was told that scrubs could be confused with the fancy dress requirements for a doctor’s uniform.

She beat the current record of 3:08:54 by 32 seconds.

Cops fined for restraint death

Cops were fined £234,500 over the restraint of an arrested man who later died.

Thomas Orchard collapsed in cells after having a belt on his face for over five minutes.

Judge Julian Lambert said the emergency response belt was meant for limbs and a policy to put it on faces was taken “without any risk assessment or research”. Church caretaker Orchard was held for a suspected public order offence in Exeter, Devon, in 2012.

He had a cardiac arrest and died in hospital.

In 2018, Devon and Cornwall Police admitted breaches of the Health and Safety at Work Act.

Last month the judge said he could not be sure the belt contributed to the death. He also ordered the force to pay £20,515 costs at Bristol crown court.

The things they say

‘I realise my obituary will say I did but I swear on my children’s lives I did not’

Gavin Williamson denies being the source of the Huawei leak that led to his sacking as defence secretary

‘Oh yes, I’m really going to tell you his name’

Nigel Farage won’t say who gave the Brexit Party £100,000

‘I walked into my office and my team were standing on tables screaming’

Tory MP Robert Halfon saying that a new outbreak of vermin in parliament had eaten through a box of tea

‘Africa has got the capitalist bug in the last 20 years since I started coming here and they look at Britain and they want Britain to be part of Africa’

Foreign secretary Jeremy Hunt continues the tradition of fools in the Foreign Office

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